Control issues come in many forms, but often stem from one thing…
When people are suffering with control-related issues, whether they are exhibited in behaviors such as compulsive, obsessive, manipulative, aggressive, or antagonistic, the underlying reality is that they are suffering from within, and these behaviors are the coping strategies they have built up over time to handle the painful beliefs they hold about themselves.
The major issue that control issues stem from is a sense of fear and unworthiness, but often times this is not realized by the person with the control issues. The person may feel, consciously or sub-consciously, a lack of confidence, worth, self-esteem, achievement, beauty, wealth, intelligence, joy, control, education, health, personality, sanity, possessions, and many more things, and it is these fears of lack within which are often the cause of their controlling behavior(s). It is in trying to control others, things or situations in an obsessive or complusive way that the people with control issues are trying to stop the painful feelings within, which the situation at hand is triggering, in an attempt to feel better. The intense problem with this way of being is two-fold: the controlling behavors are not helping the person to have a positive relationship with themselves or life, and the outcome after having exhibited the behavor serve to bring up more negative feelings within the person about themselves which will cause them to exhibit the behavors once again out of frustration and self-loathing - and this is a very self-destructive cycle and adds further suffering to the life of the person who is already in emotional pain.
If you find that you are often compulsively trying to control external things, situations, conversations, or other people, in a deliberate way, and it feels internally upsetting to you and you think it is affecting your life and relationships to others, you can change this way of being.
Controlling behavior is simply a behavior, and like any behavior it can be changed. By working with a qualified professional, you can work through this behavior and determine when this way of being was established and then you can discover the protective reason(s) for using this behavior. By approaching the behavior this way, you will be helped in identifying and healing the wounds within which you most likely have carried with you for many, many years.
I’m Suzanne Robinson, I am a qualified professional counsellor, and I can help you. Please call me at 705-229-8999, for a free, confidential, initial half hour consultation. We can talk about your life and how we can get you to where you want to be.